Day One

Hello anyone actually reading this blog!

So I'm going to pick up where I left off and share some of where I am and where I'm heading and hoping to end up. Umm, I suppose I should mention this blog is uncensored from some of the issues of life and really is not intended for children. Like M rated. It should be R rated if not today, one day, but if you are mature and not 18 then I would hate to discriminate against you. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young. 1 Timothy 4:12a.

So I do have addictions and I want them broken! Shattered chains at the foot of the cross. My biggest addiction is going to cause some awkwardness amongst readers, but that's okay. I struggle with pornography. It's true. I've been addicted for several years and I hate it. Usually I'm in a pattern of fail, try to quit, succeed for a while, fail agian. Recently my pattern has been fail, fail, fail, I'll quit tomorrow because I already failed, wake up and fail. I've been so sick of this that I just want to beat myself. Today's post is called day one because I'm done failling and putting off getting better.

I'm not just saying I'm quitting and hoping I can hold out because that's never worked before. I'm not naive; I know that the odds of me successfully quitting this time are way stacked against me and my track record is against me too. Praise God! He is bigger than me and He is bigger than the internet and He is bigger than the world, which makes Him way bigger than pornography! I spend way too much time on the internet for anyone's good and I get bored eventually. Boredom and aloneness are my two biggest enemies! Any time I have something to do, my chances of failure drop to almost nothing if I can find the motivation to do whatever else is there. What steps am I taking to beat my addiction? Well, I'm glad you asked.

1) I'm cutting my internet time down to 3 hours daily. Now that still seems like a lot, but I typically use the internet, youtube specifically, for listening to music, which inevitably leads to no one around, bored, with the internet open already...you see where this is going. In my three hours I will: post something on this blog on a daily basis, do all of my business stuff, check all of my emails, messages, and facebook stuff, do all of my facebook chatting (which means I'm going back to the old school ways of MSN where you can find me via k1quizzer@hotmail.com and I'll also be online on Skype where I'm lancealot1011), do any research or information gathering I need to do online, and find any piano or guitar or trumpet sheet music I want to play. "Yeah right," you say, "and when you get bored you'll  just use the internet anyways." Not happening. Beautiful thing about accountability and daily blogging is that everyday, I promise to honestly tell how long I spent on the World of Wide variety Waste or WWW. I'm not sure of punishment for spending too long on the web, but I have lots of friends that like to smack me when I do something stupid and I'm sure they'll think of something.

2) I'm a firm believer of "Garbage in, garbage out." Working Road construction and listening to everyone cussing up a storm, yeah my language went to shit (I know, bad language, but the irony was just too funny...if you don't share my dry sense of humor, sorry). Look at our mediums of choice movies, music, radio, whatever. Music lyrics promote a lot of trash including a very distinct "Use 'em and lose 'em" philosophy towards women. Movies these days are full of unnecessary nude/sex scenes and way innapropriate humor. Even the ads on the radio (sorry I use radio because I don't get t.v. and have no commercial examples) promote sex whether from which condoms give the most pleasure to which club has the male strippers for ladies night or which sex shop is the best in town. Now I'm not against sex (way not), but the attitudes that are promoted and the places and times it is promoted I would deem innapropriate. That's a talk for another time. That's the very long way of saying I'm cutting out a lot of the garbage coming in. I'm choosing my movies carefully, being critical about the music I'm listening to, and yes, my old school radio stations!

3) I'm filling my spare time with other things than whatever time. I'm restarting my devotion and prayer life, and need things to pray for to help keep me going. If you have prayer requests, comment, email, whatever. On top of which, I've got lots of work to do, that's not a problem. I'm sick of being overweight and unhealthy and feeling sick. I'm starting a fitness program (designed by yours truly! Talk about custom) which will take some of my time. Also I have projects that need to be accomplished, music to practice, mechanical work to get done, body work to do, and I have my own business and a full-time job on the side...since when do I have any time to waste with garbage? My weekends where I'm home alone are going to be filled with people and things to do. There's always work, the church always needs volunteers, and I've become exceptionally fond of "gaming" nights with friends (the next one sounds like it'll be epic and sour!). 

So that's way longer than I had planned to type. Your part in all of this is to simply check in on me. Ask me how I've been doing or how my struggles are going or something. If you can get around the awkwardness of saying, "How's the porn issue?" go for it! It's not a secret anymore it's on the web where the universe can all read it. And if I blog that I failed and you read it, call me out! If you are willing to encourage me when I've fallen, I desperately need it. This one struggle in my life has pushed me to the edges of suicide and people in my life have pushed me back to a desire to live. As always, thank you for taking the time to read this post. Comment if you want (I think anyone can, I'm pretty technology illiterate) or email me or facebook me or whatever you want. I love hearing from people. Prayer is greatly appreciated.

Until tomorrow, take care of yourself and God bless.